The Rules Your Cat Wishes You Knew...

A compulsory human training manual, written by Ary, Feline CEO of Pickles Pet Pantry

Humans. We-need-to-talk. I have watched you for some time now and, while you show promise, there are several areas in which your performance requires improvement. You buy us beds. We sleep in the box. You fill our water bowls. We drink from the questionable glass beside your bed. You purchase toys specifically designed for cats. We choose a receipt. Then you have the audacity to describe us as complicated. So, as Feline CEO of Pickles Pet Pantry, I have temporarily stepped away from my incredibly demanding schedule of sleeping, eating and silently judging the workforce to provide some essential staff training.

Welcome to:

The Rules Your Cat Wishes You Knew

Please pay attention. There will be a test. Probably at 3am.

Rule One: My food bowl is more complicated than you think

Let us begin with the important matter. Food. Cats are obligate carnivores. This means animal-derived nutrients aren't simply something we rather enjoy; they're fundamental to our biology. We have specific nutritional requirements, including nutrients such as taurine, preformed vitamin A and arachidonic acid, which need to be provided appropriately within our diet. But before you proudly present me with something containing 97% pheasant, unicorn and ethically massaged wildebeest... Check whether it says complete. A complete cat food is formulated to provide the nutrients we require when fed as directed. A complementary food isn't designed to provide everything we need by itself. High meat content sounds lovely. Nutritionally complete matters more. You're welcome.

Rule Two: I might prefer several small meals

You seem to enjoy breakfast, lunch and dinner. Congratulations. In the wild, cats would naturally eat multiple small prey-sized meals across the day rather than necessarily consuming one or two enormous portions. So if I eat a little, wander away and return later, I haven't necessarily submitted a formal complaint about dinner. Smaller, more frequent feeding opportunities can suit feline behaviour particularly well. Puzzle feeders, hunting-style feeding and spreading food opportunities around the home can also make me use that magnificent brain you've apparently forgotten I possess. Food can be nutrition and enrichment. Although obviously if I scream at you immediately after eating, I have never been fed before in my life. That is different.

Rule Three: Stop putting my water beside everything else

Humans LOVE a little feeding station. Food bowl. Water bowl. All neatly lined up. Perhaps beside the litter tray for maximum efficiency. Absolutely not. Many cats prefer their resources separated. In nature, drinking immediately beside a food source isn't necessarily something a cat would choose, and plenty of us prefer water positioned away from our food. Give us options. Different locations. Different bowls. Some cats prefer wide bowls where their whiskers aren't constantly brushing the sides. Some adore fountains. Some apparently prefer the glass of water you specifically poured for yourself. The important thing is encouraging good hydration — particularly because cats aren't always enthusiastic drinkers. Wet food can also contribute significantly to overall water intake. So yes, that fancy water fountain may be worth trying. No, I cannot guarantee I won't still drink from the tap.

Rule Four: One litter tray probably isn't enough

Oh good. We've reached toilets. The general rule commonly recommended for multi-cat households is: One litter tray per cat, plus one extra. And before you place all three beside each other and congratulate yourself... No. From a cat's perspective, three trays sitting shoulder-to-shoulder may effectively function as one toileting location. Spread resources around the home where possible. Keep trays clean. Put them somewhere quiet and accessible. And remember that cats can have strong preferences around tray size, litter type, depth and whether a tray is covered. If I suddenly stop using my litter tray, don't assume I'm being spiteful. Cats do not generally urinate on your belongings to execute an elaborate revenge plot because dinner was eleven minutes late. Changes in toileting behaviour can be associated with stress, environmental problems or medical issues. Sudden changes deserve attention, and urinary problems can require prompt veterinary care. Please don't stand over the suspicious puddle asking: "Why would you DO this to me?" This may, surprisingly, not be about you.

Rule Five: My belly is NOT an invitation

I rolled over. I exposed my tummy. You thought: BELLY RUB. Amateur. Showing my belly can mean I feel comfortable and safe around you. It does not automatically mean: "Please place your enormous human hand directly onto my most vulnerable body part." Learn my individual body language. A relaxed cat might have soft eyes, a loose body and ears sitting naturally. If my tail starts flicking, my skin twitches, my ears rotate or flatten, my pupils change and I suddenly look like I'm reconsidering every decision that brought me into your family... Perhaps stop touching me. Cats often communicate quite subtly before escalating to scratching or biting. We weren't unpredictable. You missed the memo.

Rule Six: Let me leave

This one is remarkably simple. If I walk away from an interaction... Let me. Choice matters. Allowing cats to initiate and end interactions can build trust far better than repeatedly scooping us up because you require a cuddle immediately. Some cats adore being held. Some tolerate it. Some would rather file for emancipation. Your cat gets to decide which category they belong to. Respecting that doesn't make your relationship weaker. Quite the opposite. If I know I can leave, I may feel safer choosing to stay. Deep, isn't it? I contain multitudes.

Rule Seven: I need to scratch things

"ARY! DON'T SCRATCH THAT!" Fine. Provide something better. Scratching is normal feline behaviour. We scratch to maintain our claws, stretch our bodies and communicate through visual and scent marking. Therefore the objective shouldn't be to prevent scratching entirely. It should be to provide appropriate scratching opportunities. Some cats like vertical scratchers. Some prefer horizontal ones. Some want cardboard. Some prefer sisal. Some want a scratching post tall and sturdy enough to perform a full-body stretch without it wobbling like something you've assembled after two glasses of wine. Put scratching options where they're actually useful to your cat — including around resting areas and socially important parts of the home. A tiny scratching post hidden behind the washing machine is not an adequate counter-offer for your magnificent sofa.

Rule Eight: I need to climb

You live on the floor. How unfortunate. Cats often feel safer when we can observe our surroundings from elevated positions. Shelves. Cat trees. Window perches. Furniture we're technically "not allowed" on. Vertical space can be particularly valuable in multi-cat homes because it increases the usable territory available and gives cats more opportunities to create distance from one another. Which leads neatly onto...

Rule Nine: Just because we aren't fighting doesn't mean we're best friends

Humans sometimes assume that if two cats aren't actively reenacting Gladiator in the kitchen, they must adore one another. Not necessarily. Cats sharing a home may be bonded. They may peacefully coexist. They may tolerate each other because apparently neither has yet worked out how to operate the front door. Look for the subtler stuff. Do they choose to sleep together? Groom one another? Approach each other with relaxed body language? Or is one cat frequently blocking hallways, guarding resources or making another cat reluctant to access food, water or litter trays? Resource distribution matters enormously in multi-cat households. Food. Water. Beds. Litter trays. Scratching areas. High places. Hideaways. Give everyone options. Forced friendship is awkward enough at human dinner parties. Don't inflict it upon us.

Rule Ten: Play with me like a predator

I am adorable. I am fluffy. I may have a ridiculous little voice. I am also a tiny predator living in your house. Act accordingly. Good feline play gives us opportunities to stalk, chase, pounce and capture. Wand toys are brilliant for this because you can make the "prey" move away from us, disappear behind things and behave unpredictably. Let us catch it sometimes too. Imagine playing a video game you are physically incapable of winning. Exactly. Also: your hands are not toys. That tiny kitten attacking your fingers might be hilarious. The adult cat who has learnt that human flesh is an appropriate hunting target may be marginally less charming.

Rule Eleven: I need to sleep. A LOT.

Before you Google: "Why does my cat sleep all day?" Relax. Cats naturally spend a considerable amount of time sleeping and resting. Kittens, older cats and individual cats may sleep even more. We aren't lazy. We are conserving energy. For later. At approximately 3:17am. When we will inexplicably sprint through the house at Mach 4 because a ghost entered the hallway. Please plan accordingly.

Rule Twelve: The carrier should not predict doom

Ah. The Box of Betrayal. You store the carrier in the loft for eleven months. Then one morning you bring it downstairs. I see it. You see me seeing it. And thus begins the annual Hunger Games. Try leaving the carrier accessible as part of everyday life. Put bedding inside. Occasionally put treats in there. Let it smell familiar. Make it somewhere I can voluntarily explore or sleep rather than a plastic prophecy announcing: VET IN TEN MINUTES. You may find future journeys considerably less dramatic. No promises. I am still a cat.

Rule Thirteen: Changes in behaviour matter

This one is serious, humans. We cats can be very good at hiding discomfort and illness. Sometimes the first sign that something isn't right isn't dramatic. Perhaps I'm hiding more. Eating differently. Drinking more. Moving differently. Not jumping somewhere I normally would. Becoming unusually grumpy. Grooming differently. Losing or gaining weight. Changing my toilet habits. Sleeping somewhere unusual. If your cat's normal behaviour changes — particularly suddenly or persistently — don't simply write it off as: "Cats are weird." We ARE weird But you know you're weird. And changes from our individual normal can matter. Speak to your vet when something doesn't seem right.

Rule Fourteen: Indoor cats still need a world

Keeping a cat indoors doesn't mean our world has to become four walls, a food bowl and an occasional cardboard box from Amazon. We need opportunities to behave like cats. Climbing. Scratching. Hiding. Watching. Hunting through play. Exploring. Problem solving. Resting somewhere undisturbed. Looking out of windows and becoming irrationally furious about a pigeon. Rotate toys rather than leaving everything out permanently. Create vertical space. Use food enrichment. Give us boxes. Honestly, just give us the box. You were going to recycle it anyway.

Rule Fifteen: I am not a small dog

This may be the most important lesson of all. Cats aren't antisocial dogs with commitment issues. Our behaviour, communication, nutritional requirements and environmental needs are distinctly feline. Understanding that changes everything. Instead of asking: "Why won't my cat behave the way I want?" Try asking: "What is my cat trying to tell me?" Suddenly the weird behaviours aren't quite so weird. The scratching has a purpose. The climbing has a purpose. The hiding has a purpose. The tiny meals have context. The need for space makes sense. And even the 3am screaming... Actually no. I've got nothing for that. Sometimes we just have announcements.

The Feline CEO's Final Report

Humans, despite everything I've written here, you're doing alright.

Mostly. The secret to living successfully with a cat isn't controlling every feline behaviour. It's understanding why we do it in the first place. Give us choice. Give us appropriate resources. Feed us properly. Let us climb. Let us scratch. Play with us.Pay attention when our behaviour changes. And perhaps most importantly... Learn who your individual cat actually is. Some of us are confident. Some are cautious. Some want to live permanently on your lap. Some love you deeply but would appreciate you expressing your affection from approximately four feet away. There isn't one perfect way for a cat to be. And that's rather the point. Now, this concludes today's compulsory staff training. I, Ary, will be returning to my executive duties — primarily sitting somewhere inconvenient, conducting quality-control inspections of incoming boxes and ensuring the humans at Pickles Pet Pantry remember that despite the frankly excessive number of dogs around here... Cats remain in charge. Obviously.

Ary 🐈‍⬛Feline CEO, Pickles Pet Pantry

Dictated by Ary. Typed by the humans because apparently opposable thumbs do occasionally have a purpose.

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